The panic attack
Everything you have read here to this point has been the result of a motorcycle accident. I think it could be a part of the motorcycle experience for any of us on the worst of days. More than likely not, but it was very real for me. My intention is to step through some of the details of my story and possibly offer some insight to those who are going through similar circumstances or to those who might.
To continue my story, I left the doctor’s office and headed for the hospital. If you’ve never experienced a panic attack, you are fortunate, as they can be terrifying. I believe that mine was a result of tremendous unresolved anxiety due to my circumstances. Let’s review: I lost the most important thing in my life, my bike; I was injured for the first time in my life; I was in the process of applying for extra sick leave to cover the days off work that I could not cover after my vacation and sick time was used up, and I had no resolution yet; I was in a lot of pain; I had been on pain pills for two weeks; I had a huge hole in my life where the bike used to be. I had to stop on the way to the hospital and get a soft drink because I thought I was having a heart attack. I knew better, but the panic attack had a hold on me. When I arrived at the hospital, I went to register with radiology. Again, I lost it in the waiting room and cried, again. Yes, it is embarrassing, but that was the way it was. When it was time, the nurse began to put in an IV to inject the dye for the arteriogram. He tried about five times to get the needle into the top of my hand, but kept missing the vein. He said that he had to use a large needle for this type of procedure. At that point, I believed him. It felt like a pencil more than a needle. I was still having the anxiety attack at full throttle. I got on the table for the CAT scan and closed my eyes. When they moved me into the machine, they shot the dye in and started the machine. This is where it sounds crazy, and maybe I was crazy for the moment. I closed my eyes and saw a landscape that reminded me of the works of H. R. Geiger. Very dark, gray, evil, and frightening. When the dye went in, I could feel it. I saw this brown mist ahead of me in this dark scene and as the dye went through me, the brown mist rushed up and went into my body. I could taste the dye as it came out of my lungs when I breathed. And then it was over. They moved me back out of the machine and I stood up. I can’t explain the vision of the brown mist, but to me it represented the devil at that moment. The devil came at me and went through me, and it scared the daylights out of me.
I sat outside the hospital and called a trusted friend at my office and asked her to bring some xanax from my office drawer. She came right away and within 15 minutes, I was over the panic attack. It’s worth taking a minute to appreciate your friends. These times are the ones where they truly shine.
I called my parents and my father packed up and began the five-hour drive back to stay with me again.
I got in my truck and headed back to my house. I’ll pick up there the next time.
